If you have small children and celebrate Christmas, you are probably familiar with the custom of leaving cookies and milk for Santa, and perhaps a carrot or something for Rudolph. It's no wonder that Mr. Claus has a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, given the amount of sweets he likely sees as he makes his trek across the chimneys of the world. Maybe this year we should all leave energy drinks or healthier snacks instead.
Or perhaps go the other way entirely, and select a glass of Scotch or Bourbon and some premium cigars. That is what Santa will be consuming in our house this year, and by "Santa" I mean "me, wearing a Santa cap."
We have our own Christmas tradition in our house. Once the kids are sound asleep, we break out the "some assembly required" presents. My wife sits on the steps and serves as a lookout and conversation partner, to make sure the kids don't sneak downstairs. I grab the screwdriver and the battery packs, and get to work snapping together all of the plastic pieces that every toy now seems to require me to deal with. It is a long, hard, and frustrating slog, but it is much easier doing it with the kids asleep than it would be on Christmas morning with everyone saying "Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Do this next? Where does this piece go? What does [insert bad word that I just said after discovering I have to disassemble a particular toy because I did something backwards] mean?"
While I admire Santa and the elves being able to accomplish this without apparent anger or frustration, I am not so fortunate. Instead, I rely on liquor and cigars to get through the night. My wife sips a glass of wine, we put some old holiday movies on the tube, and it makes the tiresome task go by much faster -- and leads to a more enjoyable Christmas Morning as a result.
So the real Santa can keep the cookies and milk. This Santa needs bourbon and Padron cigars to make it through the night.
Or perhaps go the other way entirely, and select a glass of Scotch or Bourbon and some premium cigars. That is what Santa will be consuming in our house this year, and by "Santa" I mean "me, wearing a Santa cap."
We have our own Christmas tradition in our house. Once the kids are sound asleep, we break out the "some assembly required" presents. My wife sits on the steps and serves as a lookout and conversation partner, to make sure the kids don't sneak downstairs. I grab the screwdriver and the battery packs, and get to work snapping together all of the plastic pieces that every toy now seems to require me to deal with. It is a long, hard, and frustrating slog, but it is much easier doing it with the kids asleep than it would be on Christmas morning with everyone saying "Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Do this next? Where does this piece go? What does [insert bad word that I just said after discovering I have to disassemble a particular toy because I did something backwards] mean?"
While I admire Santa and the elves being able to accomplish this without apparent anger or frustration, I am not so fortunate. Instead, I rely on liquor and cigars to get through the night. My wife sips a glass of wine, we put some old holiday movies on the tube, and it makes the tiresome task go by much faster -- and leads to a more enjoyable Christmas Morning as a result.
So the real Santa can keep the cookies and milk. This Santa needs bourbon and Padron cigars to make it through the night.
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